Horrible Person
by Callisto Nicol
Summary: James Potter is losing shirts and he doesn't have a clue where they've disappeared to. [Oneshotish]


"I'm a horrible person," Lily Evans moaned as she sat down in the Great Hall.

Alice looked up from the bagel she'd been eating to roll her eyes. "If you're a horrible person, Lily, then the rest of us are undeniably screwed."

"But it's true!" Lily insisted, giving a mournful look. "I preach and preach and preach yet can't even seem to follow my own advice. Alice, I'm falling into a hole I don't think I can get out of."

Alice propped her chin on her hand and prepared to listen to Lily rant; ever since the redhead had become Head Girl she'd been having several semi-breakdowns during breakfast. Alice supposed there were worse ways to spend her first meal of the day (such as listening to Lily bemoan the faults of Potter _again_), but for once she wished Lily would tell her _why_ she was such a bad person instead of just whining about it. "Do tell, Lily. My ears are open."

"I've done something I shouldn't have," Lily said, burying her head in her arms. "I'm a horrible person, Alice!"

Lily didn't get a chance to say anything more, however, since Sirius Black and James Potter chose that moment to show up. James looked upset and Sirius appeared to be tired of dealing with his best mate. How like my own situation, Alice thought wryly. The two boys sat down next to Lily and James spoke.

"Evans, have you been having laundry issues?"

Lily raised an eyebrow, a feat Alice had never managed to conquer. "Laundry issues, Potter?"

"Yes."

There was a moment of silence before Lily answered. "No."

"Are you sure?" James sounded rather desperate.

"Prongs, this is Prefect Evans here," Sirius drawled. "The day she has laundry issues is the day I kiss Snape."

"Shut up, Padfoot," James snapped. "You're not helping."

Alice leaned forward. She, at least, wanted to know why James was having laundry issues and why he thought Lily might be having the same ones.

"Why do you ask, Potter?" Lily asked tiredly.

"Because I'm missing clothes."

It was laughable, so Alice laughed. "Missing clothes? How does that work, James?"

"I don't know!" he exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. "I don't get it! I just know that I'm missing some because I'm running out of them, and the only explanation I can think of is the House Elves are eating my shirts!"

"Prongs, you're a Marauder," Sirius said. "Our daily lives involve ruined clothes. Remember last week in Potions? Snivelly—sorry Evans—_accidentally_ spilled shrinking potion on your shirt."

"That's only one."

"And in Herbology a month ago some plant ate half your shirt off your back."

"Suddenly I'm sorry I dropped that class," Lily said. Alice snickered; Herbology was her best subject and she had kept with it. The shirt-eating incident had gone in her journal and was a personal favourite memory of hers.

"If you're that desperate to see my body, Evans, you can knock on my door any time," James said dryly. Lily glared at him, but a light blush tinged her cheeks. Alice gave her a quizzical glance, but Lily determinedly avoided her gaze. Odd. Something was going on with Lily… "But that's still only two shirts, Pad. I started off the year with ten, and now I'm down to four. Pray tell what happened to the missing four?"

"Why is it such a big deal?" Lily asked. "Just buy more clothes."

"It's his last year, and he promised Mummy he'd get by without needing new clothes since he's Head Boy," Sirius said gleefully.

"…And why would you promise your mum such a thing?" Alice asked.

"Because we Marauders have a penchant for losing clothes," Sirius stated.

"Penchant, Black. Big word," Lily said.

Sirius puffed his chest out. "Isn't it? Moony taught it to me. Big words make me sound more intelligent, and Merlin knows I need the help." Alice hid a grin in her bagel while Lily laughed out loud. Poor James just scowled.

"We can discuss your language issues later, Padfoot. I'm still missing four shirts. Evans, are you _sure_ you don't have laundry issues?"

"I'm positive, Potter. I have all my clothes."

"Maybe the House Elves just don't like you," Alice suggested.

"Yes," Lily chimed in, "perhaps you pranked them one too many times."

"Lily!" Sirius cried out, "how scandalous! We never prank the hand that feeds us!" He paused. "Well, excepting Mum Potter. But she's a good sport and loves us anyway. But other than that, never!"

"Again with the irrelevant topics," James groused. "Hello? Missing shirts? Does anybody care?"

"No," Lily said rudely, but a slight shift in the direction away from James gave Alice suspicions. She furrowed her brow at Lily who shrugged slightly, but a blush took hold of her cheeks.

Oh.

My.

Goodness.

Lily cared. She _cared_ about something related to James Potter. She really was in a hole she couldn't get herself out of. She was falling for the Potter charm.

Alice snickered. Lily kicked her under the table. "Ow!" she hissed. Lily gave her a pointed stare, so Alice mouthed, "Sucker." Lily turned redder.

"Well, thanks anyway," James said glumly. "I just—honestly, where do shirts disappear to?"

"Maybe Evans here nicked 'em to teach you a lesson, Prongs."

Without turning her head Alice looked at Lily who had turned a deeper shade of red. Alice's mouth dropped open. No way. No bleeding way.

"Yeah, and maybe you really did kiss Snape," James snapped. "Sorry, girls, we'll leave now. See you in class." The boys stood up, but Alice barely registered their movements or her own as she waved goodbye. She was far more interested in Lily's blushing, guilty face.

"You didn't."

Alice didn't think it was possible for Lily to turn redder, but she did. Laughter bubbled up from Alice's stomach; she tried to keep it in, even tried desperately, but somehow it managed to slip out all on its own.

Her laughter rang out in the Great Hall. Today was a red letter day! It was absolutely priceless! Not only was Lily showing signs of potential affection for James Potter, but she was stealing said boy's clothes!

"Oh, do stop laughing, Alice," Lily pleaded, very much so resembling a tomato. "_Please._"

Alice could only laugh harder.

"Bloody well stop laughing, Alice, or I'll tear your sodding face off."

She had heard too many threats come from Lily's mouth (directed at James) to take the Head Girl seriously. She continued to laugh, although now it was half because Lily was so mad. Oh, she would rib Lily so bad over this…

"Stop it, Alice! STOP THIS INSTANT!"

Alice finally stopped, but a huge grin lit her face. "Pray tell, Lily dearest, why you would ever stoop so low as to steal James Potter's shirts?"

"I…like to sleep in them," Lily mumbled, the blush spreading to her ears and neck and most likely ever part of her body. "And plus his trousers are too big. They'd fall right off."

She started laughing again. Oh, this was bloody brilliant. She had fodder to tease Lily with for the rest of forever. Her best mate would _never_ live this down.

"Oh, Lily, this is just classic! And to think, you lied to his face! First you steal, then you lie! You really are a horrible person."

"Sod off, Alice."

Alice grinned. "I can't wait until you have to give them back."

Lily smacked her head against the table. "I hate James Potter."

Hah. Yeah right.

Disclaimer: I don't own it.

A/N: I might do a sequel, if I feel the need to write it. Hope you enjoyed.


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